Quotes on marriage

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word - if only she'd get to it.
-Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
-Woody Allen

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?  I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"  "What a country! "
- Yakov Smirnoff

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
- Milton Berle

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
- Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth.   I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.  Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-Rodney Dangerfield

25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question:

"Why aren't you married yet?"

 1.  You haven't asked yet.

 2.  I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

 3.  What?  And spoil my great sex life?

 4.  Nobody would believe me in white.

 5.  Because I just love hearing this question.

 6.  Just lucky, I guess.

 7.  It gives my mother something to live for.

 8.  My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

 9.  I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10.  Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11.  I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12.  It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13.  I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14.  Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15.  My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16.  I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17.  They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18.  I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19.  I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20.  What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21.  We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22.  I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23.  Why aren't you thin?

24.  I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25.  (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.


  1. I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.  It only seems longer.
  3. Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible.
  4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"   "What happened?" asked the friend.  "My wife found out..."
  5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.  Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
  6. How many men does it take to open a beer?  None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
  7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things!  I just won the California lottery!"  Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"  The man responds, "I don't care.  Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
  8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
  9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - - I don't like to interrupt her.
  10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
  11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
  12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Marriage Jokes

I've finally found the secret to a long successful marriage: Once a week without fail, a romantic dinner, slow dancing, then a long walk home in the moonlight . . . She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Thursdays!

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  The other replied, "Yes, I am - I married the wrong man."

Man is not complete until he is married.  Then he really is finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman get her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of the Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in most countries, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to b*tch.

LOVE - When all you write is poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you show concern for your own feelings.
MARRIAGE - When you show concern for what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the songs on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

The hunt begins
Strategic planning
The wedding night
Settling in


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